Extracurricular activities are such a great way for adolescents to develop talent and find their passions. I'm grateful for the many opportunities offered both in our school district and community that allow my children to participate in things that excite them. We have met so many fabulous families and new friends as a result of our children's involvement in different activities over the years. My daughter loves participating in choir and drama at Memorial, and my sons are currently playing basketball and awaiting the start of baseball season. My kids have enjoyed programs at the Lansing Library, local church clubs and camps, and a number of Park District programs. Although I have not coached or taught any of these activities, there is one thing I have come to firmly believe-as a parent I am ultimately responsible for ensuring that these activities build character in my children. For that to happen, I have to set the behavioral bar high both for myself and for my children.
My husband and I are both very competitive individuals. We actually met over a ping pong table and I like to tell people that he was the first man to beat me in ping pong, so I had to marry him! I can see that same competitive spirit in all three of my children, and they certainly get it honestly from both parents. I am glad to see my children striving for improvement, excellence, and to live up to their potentials. These are things that will serve them well in many areas of life. But, it is of utmost importance that they learn to compete in a way that is respectful of themselves and others. Much of the value of extracurricular activities is in learning to work as a team and learning humility in both winning and losing. But that value is lost when there isn't a high standard of behavior expected.
I witnessed a great parenting moment last weekend at my son's basketball game. The opposing team was down by a lot of points toward the end of the game, and one of the players on that team lost his temper and intentionally and roughly fouled a player on my son's team. The mother of the player who intentionally fouled another player took her son by the arm and walked him out of the gym. YES! Finally, a parent who can manage her own emotions well enough to help her child understand the bigger picture in that pivotal moment! She is setting the bar high for her son's behavior, and by providing consequences for his bad behavior, she is teaching him an incredibly important life lesson- feeling frustrated and losing does not give you the right to lash out and hurt others.
Have you ever seen teachers or coaches overlooking inappropriate behavior from a child that is under their supervision? I find it infuriating. It is a disservice to a child when there are no consequences for acting out and disrespecting others, and it is a disservice to the other children participating as well. However, it is even worse when we as parents overlook our child's poor behavior. The bottom line is that it is MY responsibility to appropriately shape the character of my child.
When I witness NFL players throwing tantrums like toddlers, I have to wonder if they had parents who overlooked bad behavior because they were too busy reveling in their child's talent to address their child's character. I have a running joke with my kids when we see someone behave poorly in a performance or game. I say to my kids, "What would happen if you behaved that way?", and they roll their eyes and answer, "You would drag us off the field (or stage) by our ear." And I truly would. What good is being a millionaire athlete if you have no self respect and no respect from others? I don't consider someone successful just because they make a lot of money! My children will never consider themselves successful if they don't behave in a way that leads to solid self respect.
Of course we all want our children to succeed in all they do, but in reality that is just not possible. Kids have to learn how to handle disappointment and lose occasionally because it is a really important life skill that affects relationships, careers, and our society as a whole. They need to learn that they represent their family, their team, their school, and their community, and that they have a responsibility to represent us well if they want the privilege of participating in these activities. I don't expect perfection from my children, but I do know that without correction they will not mature properly. I set the behavior bar high for them, and they generally reach for that high bar. It is my hope that in setting the bar high now, they will have also high standards for themselves as adults.
One of the hardest things about teaching my children to reach for the behavioral high bar is being intentional about modeling it myself as a parent. My emotions can run high when my child is passed over for a solo, drama role, or starting position on a team. My emotions can run even higher when, in the midst of a game I see the ref making bad calls, the coach making bad decisions, parents of the other team saying rude things, and my child getting upset. But I can't ask my children to control themselves in a situation if I can't control myself! It is downright painful sometimes to listen to opposing coaches and parents acting like maniacs and not respond. Yet I want my children to learn how to shut down antagonists by not engaging, so I have no choice but to reach for that high bar and maintain my composure as well. (By the way, I downright refuse to allow my children to play for coaches that model irresponsible and disrespectful behavior. NO THANK YOU!)
Have you ever noticed with extracurricular activities that it is often easy to figure out which children belong to which parents based on their similar behavior? I have had a lot of moments of wondering about a child's consistent inappropriate behavior, only to realize who the parent is and then say, "Okay, yes, that explains it." It is my hope that teachers, coaches, and fellow parents will witness a high standard of behavior from my children; and when they realize that I am the parent of those children, I hope that they will consider my behavior and say, "Okay, yes, that explains it."
We parents need to challenge and encourage one another to set the bar high for ourselves and our children when it comes to behavior at extracurricular activities. We sacrifice a lot of time and money so our children can benefit from these experiences, so let's make certain that the greatest benefit- building character- is achieved! When you climb up on that high bar, you can really get a good look at things that just can't be seen from below...
