Our Principal Resigned, Then Went on Leave, Now What???

Christmas is an appropriate time to consider how we balance the joy of giving gifts to our kids with the reality that kids can quickly go in the direction of feeling entitled rather than full of gratitude for that which we have given in love. It's a relevant and worthy subject that I had planned to explore, but given the continued controversy surrounding Duane Schupp, I would instead like to encourage us as parents to explore our own struggles with feeling entitled- particularly when it comes to the way in which we express our opinions.

In October, Principal Duane Schupp resigned (effective the end of the school year) but was then placed on administrative leave earlier this month. This has prompted many of us to speculate and also form strong opinions and express them in a multitude of ways. We care about what is happening at our children's school, as we should, and I'm grateful that it seems there are other community members who also care even though they may not have children at Memorial. But it seems that what is hopefully rooted in genuine concern for justice and good intentions toward our students has given some folks a feeling of entitlement to express their opinion on this matter in some regrettable ways. We are certainly entitled to our opinions, but I would argue that expressing opinions publicly which totally disrespect and villainize fellow members of the community is not something to which we're entitled.

I find myself wondering why we tell our children, "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all," when we can be so ugly to one another as adults. I wonder why we quickly condemn bullying in our schools but sometimes act like bullies to one another as adults. Do we want our kids to give one another the benefit of the doubt? But why would they if we don't model it among adults? Do we want our kids to respect public servants and elected officials even if they disagree with them or note their imperfections? How can they if we adults aren't leading the way with such behavior? When my children are fighting, I tell them there are almost always two sides to the story, so why is that so hard to believe when there is controversy among adults?

Most of us don't know all the details of what has happened with Mr. Schupp, but we do know the people on the school board have been elected by this community and have been given decision making power. If we don't agree with their decisions or if we question their integrity, then we are entitled, or even obligated, to run against them or work to have others elected in the future. But I don't think we are entitled to publicly attack them on social media or otherwise. The same goes for Mr. Schupp. There are those who think his departure is a good thing for Memorial, and they are likewise entitled to think that. But that doesn't mean that making damaging accusations against him is beneficial or appropriate.

I wonder if concerned citizens who may have much to offer this community might be deterred from running for office or getting involved in other ways because of the entitlement some of us feel to go on the attack when we disagree with those in leadership positions. I wonder if those who are already elected officials who still have much to offer will fail to run again due to the ugliness they and their families endure. (Might I add in regards to our school board, they aren't even PAID elected officials!)

It's easy to forget that there's a generation of students at Memorial Junior High, T.F. South, and other local schools that are internalizing the behavior they see modeled by the adults in this community. My experience with fellow residents in Lansing is so often full of kindness, good neighbors, those who love the community and give of themselves, and it's easy to forget that when the entitlement of a few to publicly attack others is showcased on social media or in the newspaper.

As we close out 2014, I hope my fellow parents and community members will reflect with me on the difference between the entitlement to our opinions and the entitlement to publicly airing our opinions. Not only am I committed to "If you don't have something nice to say..." behavior, I am committed to not enabling others by listening to, reading, or repeating that which isn't beneficial. I hope you'll join me!

Our Principal Resigned. Now What???

As most of you have probably heard by now, Duane Schupp has resigned as principal of MJHS effective June 2015. This was certainly a surprise to me, as I’m sure it was for many others. While there will be an appropriate time to discuss the role of parents in helping the students and school transition to new leadership next school year, I think that the more pressing topic is serious consideration of how we respond to this information in our interactions with other community members, teachers, and most importantly, our children. 

Naturally, our first instinct as parents is to want DETAILS! ALL THE DETAILS! And where do we look for details? Other parents? Teachers? SOCIAL MEDIA??!!! I get it, truly I do. But I want to challenge my fellow parents to use this situation as an opportunity to model for our children the importance of kindness, respect, and measured words in a spirit that builds up rather than tears down our administrators, staff, faculty, and students.

I do not know the circumstances surrounding Mr. Schupp’s decision, nor do I know at this point whether it is a good thing for Memorial, a bad thing for Memorial, or just something that was unavoidable for whatever reason. And the truth is I really don’t need to know the circumstances of the decision. It’s not my business and I don’t see how having this information would be of any help to my children, their school, or the community. Frankly, I only want to know because I’m nosey. That’s the truth, though it’s hard to admit. But since I try to encourage my children to stay out of people’s business and refrain from stirring up drama with their friends, I’m attempting to make decisions about my response to this situation based on rational thoughts instead of curiosity and feelings. I am continually pounding it into my children’s heads that we need to treat others the way we want to be treated. In other words, put yourself in the other person’s place. Now consider how you would want those around you to respond in a given situation and conduct yourself accordingly. So, I’m committed to modeling this for my children in a very relevant way as it relates to Mr. Schupp’s resignation. If you see my point and want to join me in this endeavor, here are some thoughts.

1     Don’t Assume the Worst- Why do our minds naturally go to the worst and most dramatic scenarios? Maybe it’s the media’s constant focus on the negative, the drama, the scandal. But here is what we know. Mr. Schupp’s resignation isn’t effective immediately, therefore we can rest assured that this resignation is not related to some gross neglect or harm that has come to a student at Memorial. I haven’t always agreed with Mr. Schupp on every detail and method, but I am convinced that he loves the students and has accomplished good things at Memorial. This resignation in no way negates that, and we would do well to remember that.

2   Don’t Speculate- There is really no value in speculating on all of the potential factors that have led to this decision. Speculation often times gives birth to rumors which can be damaging and even devastating to those involved.

3   Don’t Torture the School Board Members- Please remember that our school board and superintendent have legal and ethical obligations to protect confidentiality in situations related to employment. We also need to acknowledge that breaching that confidentiality is a liability to the district which can result in a lawsuit.   I value transparency in our leadership and their decisions and I think it’s truly important for accountability, but sometimes we take it too far and disregard the legal and ethical obligations to which our leaders must adhere.  And anyway, this was a resignation, not a termination of employment.  So accosting the board on this issue is futile.

4  Do Respect Privacy- Individuals in high profile or public positions of authority are often scrutinized, and to a degree that is reasonable and necessary. However, we also need to agree that a person has a right to their privacy regarding their career decisions. If Mr. Schupp would like to share his reasons for this decision with parents and the community, I have every confidence that he is capable and confident and will do just that. But he is under no obligation to do so, and we need to remember that.

Since the decision has been made and the resignation tendered, it seems the best course of action is to encourage our children to continue to respect Mr. Schupp’s authority for the remainder of his time at Memorial and foster enthusiasm in our children for welcoming a new principal next school year. We can begin to optimistically look forward to what this new leader will bring to the students and school.

This seems silly to say, but possibly needs to be said- We are not junior high kids, we are PARENTS of junior high kids. Involving ourselves in gossip and drama that is surely seen by our children would truly be a disservice to them, and to the entire community. I hope you will join me in fighting the urge to gossip and choosing instead to instill values in our children through a positive example.

Remember the Mustangs?

One of my very favorite movies of all time is Remember the Titans. Not only do I love it because it's a great football movie, but I love it because it's based on the true story of a winning high school football team that helped transform a town's prejudice in the 1960s by being a truly united multiracial team. Although in Lansing today we don't face the overt racial tensions of the 60s, I believe that in our ethnically diverse village, we still need to be sensitive in our interactions with one another. It's also important that we are intentional about setting an example for our children and openly communicate with them about the ethnic diversity at Memorial Junior High School. Therefore, I want to challenge us as parents to take a few moments to consider what we are communicating to our children, either directly or indirectly, whether intentional or unintentional.

 I deeply value the ethnic and racial diversity of Memorial Junior High School. Learning to understand and appreciate different cultures is such an important part of being a well educated individual. Learning to interact well with people of different races and cultures is a also vital life skill that our children will need to succeed professionally and thrive socially. By attending a diverse school, our children are learning to interact each day with those from different backgrounds and cultures. Take one minute and watch this scene from Remember the Titans!


Did you attend Open House at MJHS a couple weeks ago? Did you notice the growing diversity of the faculty and administration? I'm excited about this as it should give students the opportunity to see adults of varied ethnicity working as a team and rallying around a common goal. It is my hope and expectation that our teachers and administrators will model for our students the highest standards in relationship building and racial sensitivity. But, of even greater importance, we, as parents, have a critical obligation to model for our children these high standards of interaction and sensitivity toward fellow parents and students of varying ethnic backgrounds.

I'm in a somewhat unique position to comment on this topic because I am a Caucasian, married to a Jamaican, and the mother of three biracial children. Our family experience in Lansing in regards to race has been overwhelmingly positive. We enjoy many wonderful friendships with families that represent a wide array of ethnic backgrounds and have been truly enriched by these relationships. But, we have also personally encountered a small handful of disappointing interactions that should be deemed unacceptable by each of us as part of this richly diverse community. So, while this vast issue could be and should be addressed in much depth elsewhere, I'm choosing just three simple principles based on a few of the less than desirable situations that we have encountered.

1. Please, please, please, do not look down on those whose primary language is not English. Yes, this is America. Yes, our official language is English. However, that does not mean that people should be forced to abandon their native language in every way, shape, and form. It is reasonable for our community to offer vital information in other languages, particularly when it is crucial that important information being communicated is thoroughly understood. I once sat in a meeting where someone expressed dislike for the idea of offering a brochure in another language. Why would we ever want to deny a fellow parent the opportunity to understand and be involved in activities at our school due to language barriers? By the way, have you noticed the "google translate" option on this blog? :)

2. Speak using sensitivity! I truly hope and want to assume that parents have candidly addressed the seriousness of racial slurs with their children. But, the importance of using sensitive words regarding differences in culture or race is also vital. For example, saying, "What are you?" is not a respectful way to inquire about someone's ethnicity. My daughter has been asked in this way by an adult, not just other children! Help your child understand that it's okay to be curious and ask about someone's race, ethnicity, or culture, but only in a way that carefully communicates respect to the other person.

3. Perpetuating stereotypes, even when seemingly innocent, is simply not acceptable. Not long ago someone shared with my husband that he really liked "how your people always wear bright colors". The individual genuinely thought he was paying my husband a compliment, and my husband graciously considered that and responded with kindness. However, it is just not acceptable to adhere to or encourage generalizations about an ethnic group or race. And it is important that racial stereotypes are not passed on to the next generation. So, we must be honest with ourselves in acknowledging the stereotypes we believe in order to avoid passing these stereotypes to our children.

If you haven't seen Remember the Titans, or you haven't watched it recently, I would encourage you to watch it with your child! The racial and ethnic diversity that is reflected in our community and at Memorial Junior High School is not mirrored in very many other communities in Chicagoland, or elsewhere for that matter. This diversity is rare and it is precious, and we must treat our unity in that diversity as rare and precious also. One of my favorite lines from Remember the Titans is when one of the white football players is severely injured and wants his black teammate to be allowed in the hospital room to visit. The player says to the nurse, "Alice, are you blind? Don't you see the family resemblance? That's my brother." It is my hope and prayer that our community, and particularly our children at MJHS, will be a shining example of the kind of racial unity that was achieved so many years ago by the Titans of Alexandria, Virginia. And I hope that when our children remember their years as Mustangs, they will truly treasure the experience they had as junior high students being educated in a richly diverse environment.

Parental Marching Orders For a New School Year

Once again, summer has flown by in a flash! It's hard to believe that it's time to send our children back to school! Like many parents, I have gone into total "back-to-school mode" including a plethora of school supplies purchased, taking my kids shopping for new clothes and shoes, and the oh-so-important quest for the perfect new backpacks (see left, mission accomplished). The charm of the back to school shopping phenomenon is the idea that we want our children to return to school prepared and excited for the new academic year ahead. It's important to us that they start off on the right foot! Likewise, we as parents need to be excited and prepared to help our children succeed this school year. Here are a couple of "marching orders" to help us start off this school year on the right foot.

1. Step Up! to get started on the right foot-

Parents, we have to step up and keep ourselves informed this year! There are plenty of resources available to help us monitor our children's grades and keep updated on important dates and events. Here are the most important ones:

• The Memorial Junior High School webpage on the District 158 website has helpful links, resources, and a calendar. It includes a supply list, PTA info, and a staff directory. Make sure you check it often! http://www.d158.net/schools/memorial-junior-high-school/

• Power School is a fantastic resource for monitoring our children's progress and grades. You can connect with teachers, check attendance records, view lunch balances, and more. You received your child's username and password at registration. If you can't locate it, call the office at 708-474-2383. http://powerschool.d158.net/public/ 

• Go to Open House on Thursday, September 4th from 6:30-8:00 PM! This is such an important evening to visit each of your child's new classes and hear from each teacher about expectations and the year ahead. Be sure to get your child's schedule from Power School if they aren't attending with you.

2. Put Your Foot Down! to get started on the right foot

The "one day at a time" philosophy is really important as we anticipate the work ahead of us and our children to ensure academic success. We have to be committed, one day at a time, to holding our children accountable for their academic performance and healthy habits and behavior. We probably need to have a heart to heart talk with our kids as they head back to school and clearly lay out our expectations of them in this new school year. A couple of the highlights of my heart to heart will include:

• Prioritization of time- rest, homework, and limited screen time         
• Middle school students, no matter how responsible, need to be reminded occasionally that proper rest and homework trump TV, video games, social media, and texting!

• Expectation of best effort- preparation, organization, good choices 
• I've said it before and I'll say it again- "I don't expect perfection, but I do expect your best effort," is incredibly important to communicate to our children. Best effort probably needs a bit of defining for our kiddos. Preparation, organization, and good choices are the three things that I use to measure "best effort". On this point I would throw in the idea of, "progress, not perfection". Let's face it, middle schoolers are a wreck sometimes, aren't they?

• My availability to help- ALWAYS 
• It seems odd that we, as parents, need to let our children know that they can come to us for help! But it's something we need to clearly state over and over again. As we embark on the new adventures of this school year, I'm letting my daughter know that she can come to me anytime she needs help and with anything she may need help with- that covers not only academics, but all areas of life including situations that may arise with friends or teachers.

So, to recap, our parental marching orders are to step up and put your foot down to get the school year started on the right foot! And...............march!

Summer Bucket Lists!

I think I have a love/hate relationship with summer vacation! I'm always totally ready for the break from the daily morning rush to get the kids out the door for school, the grind of homework, projects, after school commitments, etc. However, I do feel like there can be a fine line between embracing and enjoying the carefree days of summer and giving ourselves over to laziness and overindulgence in things like TV, video games, and all things entertainment.

A few years ago, one of my facebook friends posted a picture of a family bucket list that she and her children had made for summer vacation. In the caption she shared that it was their way of making sure that they didn't waste the precious days of summer without doing some things that were important to them. I thought it was a brilliant idea, and it is a tradition that we have adopted as a family as well. It has been a lot of fun to work together and include a variety of ideas from each family member as we make our lists. I would encourage any family who wants to be intentional about making great memories this summer to take the time to do the family bucket list! Our family bucket list from last year is pictured below.

In addition to the family bucket list that will keep us on track for a summer of great memories, I'm thinking of secretly creating another little bucket list of my own that has a bit more intentional focus on making sure we continue to learn all summer long! Here are my top 5 Summer Learning Bucket List Items:

1. Reading- This is a given! Thankfully my daughter is an avid reader and doesn't need motivation to keep her nose in a book, but my two sons definitely require some effort.  Check out the American Library Association's SUMMER READING LIST for 6th-8th graders. We always do the summer reading program at Lansing Library (and I certainly recommend it), but it doesn't cover the entire summer and doesn't provide much accountability. So, I'm thinking of something pretty radical. I'm considering making my sons earn their TV and video game time allowance based on time spent reading!

2. Day Trips- Our proximity to Chicago affords us access to some of the best museums, nature centers, theaters, and cultural festivals in the entire nation. I grew up in western Pennsylvania and one of the biggest reasons I have stayed in this area is because of the amazing educational opportunities of living so close to a major city. Link to this list of MUSEUM FREE DAYS to plan a summer day that is inexpensive, fun, and educational. You can also use your Lansing Library card at www.museumadventure.org for museum discounts and passes!

3. Camps and Classes- My kids participate in a variety of great sports related leagues, camps, and classes during summer vacation. But this year, I want to be sure each of them tries something new in addition to improving their skills in areas they already know they enjoy. Lansing, Homewood, Munster, and South Holland all have park district programs that offer a wide variety of camps and classes. Their summer catalogs are available online. Most of them are inexpensive and don't require a big time commitment.The Center for Visual and Performing Arts in Munster has art and theater camps and classes. South Suburban College also offers summer classes and camps for students in elementary, middle school, and high school. There are tons of other incredible opportunities in the Chicagoland area if you have the time and money to invest, but the above organizations have a lot of potential for summer learning opportunities!

4. Websites and Workbooks- I am ashamed to say I have never consistently had my children work on math in the summer. This year I'm thinking I may order a couple workbooks and offer to take a chore off of their daily chore list for each page they do in the workbook. Amazon has quite a few workbooks that are targeted to middle school math skills. As for websites, www.coolmath.com is supposed to be a good one and I think 15 or 20 minutes on the website is probably equal to about one page in a workbook, right?

5. Volunteering- This is something that has been on my mind the past few months. Summer is a great time to teach kids about the importance of being active in the community and helping others without expecting anything in return. I think volunteering with my children on a weekly basis this summer would be a great learning experience. I need to take time to do more research, but Lansing Food Pantry could probably use volunteers. Link to their facebook page HERE. Many of the local churches that run Vacation Bible Schools for younger children use help from middle school students. Our church (in Dolton) just started a food pantry and needs help on Tuesdays and Wednesdays so I'm planning to make one of those days a weekly commitment. Even donating the proceeds from a lemonade stand or garage sale to a local charity can be a great way to encourage our kids to help others!

I'm excited for summer vacation and can't wait to see what types of exciting activities make this year's official bucket list! And I'm also excited to be more intentional than ever this summer to ensure that my kids continue to learn all summer long. I'm sure The Bucket Lists will make the summer of 2014 one to remember! I hope you'll join my family and create bucket lists for your family to enjoy this summer too!

The 5 Ws of Becoming a P.I. (Parent Investigator)

A couple of weeks ago I had a conversation with a fellow Mustang parent that left me wondering if our children actually attend the same school. She shared with me some frustrations about communicating with her child's teachers and frankly my experiences have been quite the opposite of hers. This dialogue made me think that it might be helpful for us as parents to consider a few things regarding communication with our MJHS Teachers.

The five Ws are a formula used in police investigations, journalism, and other types of research as the method of getting the WHOLE STORY. As parents it can be difficult to get the whole story when we are really only getting our child's perspective and version of a confusing or frustrating situation with a teacher. So, I'm suggesting that we Mustang parents employ the 5 Ws listed below when a circumstance arises that needs a bit of investigating!

Who- A good P.I. (Parent Investigator) goes straight to the source!
I think it's really important to contact the teacher directly when there is a concern. It's really tempting to call a fellow parent, get on social media, or go to an administrator or another teacher, but I know that in my job, I really appreciate someone bringing a concern to me directly first rather than discussing with others before I've had a chance to clarify potential misunderstandings. Teachers are professionals, and we need to respect them and give them a chance to clarify or make situations right. Nothing puts me on the defensive more quickly than knowing that someone took their grievance with me to someone else first. Now my natural tendency is to be less willing to hear the person out and work with them, because I feel disrespected. Same goes for teachers, wouldn't you say?

What-  A smart P.I. chooses battles wisely!
Do I need to voice every single grievance every single time I hear some little thing that displeases me? No, no I don't. Oh, this is such a hard one for me. Choosing my battles. I think it's important to give teachers the benefit of the doubt and allow for a "bad day" because as a parent and professional I have bad days and hope the benefit of the doubt will be extended to me. If my daughter shares that a teacher is rude, unfair, or harsh and it is not something serious or that seems to be a pattern, I let it go. On the other hand, I had a situation where my daughter was convinced that a teacher hated her and provided some solid reasons why she felt that way over a period of several weeks. That, of course, had to be addressed and was thankfully quickly resolved once I emailed the teacher. By the way, I think email is the best first route of communication because I can be sure to say what I mean and it is often easier for the teacher than having to get a phone message and find a time to make a call.

When- A clever P.I. takes the time needed to get the whole story!
I really do think that waiting at least a few hours before making a call or shooting an email is the prudent way to go.  If my child is upset, it is pretty natural for me to get upset too. Sometimes once my child is more relaxed, she actually shares more information that's relevant to a situation and because I have waited, I have a better grasp on my actual concern. With my younger children, I actually have cell phone numbers for some of their teachers because of medical issues. Would you believe I have had to stop myself more than once from texting a teacher on the weekend! Unless it is something coming up first thing Monday morning that is essential, I really need to respect that teachers have lives and families and obligations outside of school! We have to be patient and trust that in most cases it's okay if it takes a day or two for a teacher to return a call or email.

Where- A prudent P.I. respects the privacy of their child and the teacher!
Discussing in a public place where others can overhear isn't fair to the teacher and it isn't really fair to my child either. I'll include social media as a public place as well...Not long ago, I made the mistake of trying to discuss a relatively serious concern with a teacher in the middle of a busy science fair! She was kind and gracious, but I really shouldn't have expected to have her full attention and investment of time in the middle of the science fair madness. In retrospect, I wish I had just mentioned that I wanted to meet with her or speak on the phone and asked when the best time to contact her would be. Getting the full picture of a situation will be much more likely in a more private environment, phone conversation, or email.

Why- An informed P.I. asks questions rather than making accusations!
Asking questions is of utmost importance.  Allowing the teacher an opportunity to share their perspective rather than making assumptions and accusations really goes a long way. In the past, I have said things like, "My daughter said..........did she misunderstand in some way?" or "Can you understand why that concerns me?". Almost all the teachers I have encountered both at Coolidge and Memorial have been fair minded enough to hear me out and respond respectfully. Setting a tone of respect by asking questions rather than making accusations has certainly helped the process.

Well fellow Parent Investigators, I hope the above is of some benefit as we finish out another school year these next couple of months. Communicating with teachers is a critical component of helping our children succeed in school. And if we stick to these 5 Ws of communication, we can wear our P.I. badges proudly!

Interested in more about communicating with teachers? Check out these brief articles that are good for parents of elementary or junior high students:
Tips For Communicating with Teachers Effectively
The Parent Teacher Partnership

Reaching for the High Bar

Extracurricular activities are such a great way for adolescents to develop talent and find their passions. I'm grateful for the many opportunities offered both in our school district and community that allow my children to participate in things that excite them. We have met so many fabulous families and new friends as a result of our children's involvement in different activities over the years. My daughter loves participating in choir and drama at Memorial, and my sons are currently playing basketball and awaiting the start of baseball season. My kids have enjoyed programs at the Lansing Library, local church clubs and camps, and a number of Park District programs. Although I have not coached or taught any of these activities, there is one thing I have come to firmly believe-as a parent I am ultimately responsible for ensuring that these activities build character in my children. For that to happen, I have to set the behavioral bar high both for myself and for my children.

My husband and I are both very competitive individuals. We actually met over a ping pong table and I like to tell people that he was the first man to beat me in ping pong, so I had to marry him! I can see that same competitive spirit in all three of my children, and they certainly get it honestly from both parents. I am glad to see my children striving for improvement, excellence, and to live up to their potentials. These are things that will serve them well in many areas of life. But, it is of utmost importance that they learn to compete in a way that is respectful of themselves and others. Much of the value of extracurricular activities is in learning to work as a team and learning humility in both winning and losing. But that value is lost when there isn't a high standard of behavior expected.

I witnessed a great parenting moment last weekend at my son's basketball game. The opposing team was down by a lot of points toward the end of the game, and one of the players on that team lost his temper and intentionally and roughly fouled a player on my son's team. The mother of the player who intentionally fouled another player took her son by the arm and walked him out of the gym. YES! Finally, a parent who can manage her own emotions well enough to help her child understand the bigger picture in that pivotal moment! She is setting the bar high for her son's behavior, and by providing consequences for his bad behavior, she is teaching him an incredibly important life lesson- feeling frustrated and losing does not give you the right to lash out and hurt others.

Have you ever seen teachers or coaches overlooking inappropriate behavior from a child that is under their supervision? I find it infuriating. It is a disservice to a child when there are no consequences for acting out and disrespecting others, and it is a disservice to the other children participating as well. However, it is even worse when we as parents overlook our child's poor behavior. The bottom line is that it is MY responsibility to appropriately shape the character of my child.

When I witness NFL players throwing tantrums like toddlers, I have to wonder if they had parents who overlooked bad behavior because they were too busy reveling in their child's talent to address their child's character. I have a running joke with my kids when we see someone behave poorly in a performance or game. I say to my kids, "What would happen if you behaved that way?", and they roll their eyes and answer, "You would drag us off the field (or stage) by our ear." And I truly would. What good is being a millionaire athlete if you have no self respect and no respect from others? I don't consider someone successful just because they make a lot of money! My children will never consider themselves successful if they don't behave in a way that leads to solid self respect.

Of course we all want our children to succeed in all they do, but in reality that is just not possible. Kids have to learn how to handle disappointment and lose occasionally because it is a really important life skill that affects relationships, careers, and our society as a whole. They need to learn that they represent their family, their team, their school, and their community, and that they have a responsibility to represent us well if they want the privilege of participating in these activities. I don't expect perfection from my children, but I do know that without correction they will not mature properly. I set the behavior bar high for them, and they generally reach for that high bar. It is my hope that in setting the bar high now, they will have also high standards for themselves as adults.

One of the hardest things about teaching my children to reach for the behavioral high bar is being intentional about modeling it myself as a parent. My emotions can run high when my child is passed over for a solo, drama role, or starting position on a team. My emotions can run even higher when, in the midst of a game I see the ref making bad calls, the coach making bad decisions, parents of the other team saying rude things, and my child getting upset. But I can't ask my children to control themselves in a situation if I can't control myself! It is downright painful sometimes to listen to opposing coaches and parents acting like maniacs and not respond. Yet I want my children to learn how to shut down antagonists by not engaging, so I have no choice but to reach for that high bar and maintain my composure as well. (By the way, I downright refuse to allow my children to play for coaches that model irresponsible and disrespectful behavior. NO THANK YOU!)

Have you ever noticed with extracurricular activities that it is often easy to figure out which children belong to which parents based on their similar behavior? I have had a lot of moments of wondering about a child's consistent inappropriate behavior, only to realize who the parent is and then say, "Okay, yes, that explains it." It is my hope that teachers, coaches, and fellow parents will witness a high standard of behavior from my children; and when they realize that I am the parent of those children, I hope that they will consider my behavior and say, "Okay, yes, that explains it."

We parents need to challenge and encourage one another to set the bar high for ourselves and our children when it comes to behavior at extracurricular activities. We sacrifice a lot of time and money so our children can benefit from these experiences, so let's make certain that the greatest benefit- building character- is achieved! When you climb up on that high bar, you can really get a good look at things that just can't be seen from below...

Philosophy of Middle School Fashion?

Has anyone else noticed the neon yellow and orange Mustang T-shirts being worn around Memorial? I am genuinely amused with these shirts and their clever slogans to encourage students to adhere to the dress code. For the guys, "No Sag, Only Swag" and for the ladies, "Too Revealing Is Not Appealing".  The school dress code is set forth by our board of education. (See page 19-20 in the Student handbook.) A few highlights include: No pajama pants, no spaghetti straps, no bare midriffs, no sagging pants, and my personal favorite- no exposed undergarments. Most reasonable parents can agree on these points, right? Most reasonable parents are also willing to enforce these rules, right? CNN actually had a small article on school dress codes last Fall. (Check it out. ) But apart from enforcing the dress code of the school so that our kids avoid the consequences of a violation, I wonder if we need to consider our philosophy of middle school fashion outside of school too.

Fashion choices can be a major source of conflict in the middle school years. So how do we as parents decide how much we need to influence the clothing choices of our children? Should self-expression be the priority? Popular brands and styles? Modesty? Age appropriateness? Cost?

 Maybe the answer to this question varies based on the priorities and values of different families. I try to live by the "choose your battles" style of parenting when it comes to my children's wardrobes. My 7th grade daughter lives in jeans, T-shirts and hoodies and looked genuinely traumatized at the choir concert when she was forced to wear one of the not so lovely choir dresses. My sons (who are both still in elementary school) think that they are being forced to "dress up" if I suggest that they wear jeans instead of athletic pants. Apart from my standards of being clean with no rips or stains, and around the right size, I basically let my kids choose what they want from their drawers and closets whether or not they match or look stylish.

But what is available in those drawers and closets communicates a message to my children and when worn also about my children. Here's what I mean: The reality is that what we wear (and allow our children to wear) communicates something about who we are or who we want to be. I think it's tragic when parents allow their daughters to dress provocatively. I want my daughter to understand the kind of message that sends to her peers and also to adults. Young women (and almost all women) have the desire to feel beautiful. Unfortunately beauty and sexuality have been confused and at times merged in our culture. I reject that notion and when (if?) my daughter graduates from her "only jeans and hoodies" phase, the issue of modesty is one I'm willing to fight for. In fact, I'm willing to assert that modesty should be a universal priority for parents in the area of their child's wardrobe choices.

Another fashion issue that I have considered is the "everyone has it" dilemma. My recent inner conflict arose when my daughter wanted a North Face Osito fleece for Christmas- to the tune of $120. I'm not judging parents who dig North Face and buy their clothes for their children, we all have to consider what works for our family! But, the question I struggled with is twofold:

1) The value of money is a very important life lesson that I have to teach my children; and grappling with the whole "paying for the name" issue needs to be considered.
2) Peer pressure, fitting in, and wanting to be like everyone else is an incredibly vital discussion that needs to be addressed from many angles. Including fashion.

My daughter and I discussed both of these issues on several occasions, and ultimately I decided on a comparable fleece made by Columbia that was about $50 cheaper. My daughter still received a very similar item to what she asked for, and I feel like the messages of fiscal responsibility and peer pressure were addressed. The "everyone has it" dilemma isn't necessarily a universal that all parents must address, but do you agree that it is worth some consideration?

One more point that I can't ignore is the whole issue of self expression where fashion is concerned. It's a valid issue as these are the years that our adolescents are finding their way into young adulthood and carving out their identities-learning who they are and want to be. I want my sports obsessed, athletic son to be able to wear athletic wear daily, because it's a genuine reflection of who he is and what he loves. I would prefer for him to dress up for church on Sundays so I could put his good looks and great style on display for all to admire (hehe)- but our church is quite casual so forcing him to dress up would be about ME, not necessarily helpful to HIS character and development. So, I let him work his sporty vibe, even on Sundays! However, when he has a responsibility to attend a concert at school and is asked to wear something a bit nicer for a couple of hours on this special occasion, I think it's reasonable to insist that he complies. Self expression is important and valid, but learning to value and respect authority trumps self expression in many situations.

I am preparing my children every day for their adult lives. Respecting authority and following policies is a life skill that they need to learn as soon as possible. Respecting themselves by dressing modestly and considering the "everyone has it" dilemma are important life lessons. I want my children to express themselves- but in ways that foster self respect and respect for others.

It seems crazy that there is so much to consider regarding what clothing lands in my children's drawers. Okay fine most of it lands on the bedroom floor. But by taking the time to consider these issues with my children, I'm hopeful that they will learn to think for themselves and make rational, healthy decisions into adulthood. So if having and discussing a philosophy of middle school fashion helps accomplish that goal, then I think it's worth a few minutes of consideration!

Parent Progress Reports

I'm often tempted to get on facebook and complain when I'm frustrated. Particularly regarding school related situations. This is not so much because I'm looking for wisdom and advice, but mostly because I know my venting will likely yield some affirmation from fellow parents who will get riled up with me. It's temporarily gratifying, but generally not helpful in the overall picture. Thus, I try to avoid the facebook rant. Instead, a couple of months ago I scheduled a meeting with Memorial's principal, Duane Schupp, to follow up on a few things that I wanted to address. After I'd unloaded the laundry list of things I had managed to avoid airing on my facebook status, Mr. Schupp mentioned something that has been on his mind: it would be great if Memorial parents had additional support and resources for helping students succeed. On this matter, I had to agree with Mr. Schupp :)

I hate to admit that I haven't been nearly as involved at Memorial as I am at Coolidge. I haven't been to a single P.T.A. meeting (gasp), I recently ditched the drama parent meeting, and I have done my share of grumbling about the ridiculous amount of chocolate I've had to pay for (and never sold) so that my daughter could be involved in a variety of activities. BUT, this idea of supporting and encouraging parents as they support and encourage their children's education is genuinely appealing to me! So, it is my hope that this blog can do just that!

A new year is a great time for fresh starts, getting organized, and implementing the daily disciplines that we have let slide this past calendar year. So, it is a great time to evaluate our home environments and habits to consider whether they are ultimately helpful to our kids' progress as they head back to school after the winter break. A parent progress report? Why not?

You don't have to be a professional educator to acknowledge that doing homework in front of Teen Nick or the Disney Channel isn't particularly conducive to good concentration and accurate results. It's time we crack down on that AGAIN fellow parents! Next, there's the 10 pm panic about forgotten homework that winds up taking twice as long because our kiddos are so tired they can't focus and surely aren't learning much. In my house there is a consequence of some sort for any homework that isn't done by 8pm. That's how I roll! And I can't forget to mention the ever popular, "When am I going to use this in real life?" bait that gets thrown our way from time to time. Just once I'd like to not take that bait! But it tastes so sweet because I ALWAYS find a logical answer for that one. At least it's good to know there are some universals out there that we all face regardless of our children's individual strengths and struggles, right?

 I recently came across an article that I found very helpful, and just as importantly, very simple to implement (or implement again as the case may be). The title of the article is "Study Skills for Middle School and Beyond". It is definitely worthwhile to check out the whole article, but I will mention a couple suggestions listed in the article that I already utilize and have found to be very effective. In addition, since this blog is about keeping it real and supporting each other, I am also choosing one suggestion I don't currently use that I will implement in 2014!

Here are a couple of principles that are standard at our house, that I'm glad to hear have been officially recommended by the professionals.

1. Identify a place that is specifically for homework and studying- I'd like to tell you that I have an elegant library in my home where my children sit at mahogany desks listening to classical music and doing homework. But that would be a big, fat lie! However, I have found that confining homework to the dining room has helped to minimize the temptations of cell phones, TV, etc. The dining room is an electronics free zone with the exception of the laptop when it is needed. I keep a bin full of school supplies in there so there is no need for random wandering around searching for a ruler, calculator, eraser, or whatever else happens to be on the needed list. However, because my two boys are still in elementary school- and loud and rowdy most of the time- my daughter who is at Memorial does occasionally study in her room upstairs where it is a bit quieter. Therefore, I think a backup "place" may be appropriate too. Policies have to serve the purpose, so when they don't do so, adjustments are called for!

2. Develop a system to keep track of important papers- I have learned this one the hard way a few times. Lost permission slips, a missing study guide, and an unexplainable disappearance of rehearsal schedules can seriously stress me out, not to mention the added stress on my child. So, my not so elaborate system is that I keep a pocket folder for each of my children in the dining room, and all school related papers go in there. Pending and upcoming events papers go on one side, and graded exams or things needed for reference go on the other. A wise friend who was the mom of high school students suggested this little beauty to me. Just do it!

And for my New Year's "helping my child succeed in school" resolution, I'm going with............

 Help your child make the most of their time- Don't get me wrong, I don't want my adolescent daughter to be in a constant state of multi tasking, but this suggestion actually will benefit our whole family. Looking over a review sheet during a car ride or taking homework along to a dentist appointment and working a bit in the waiting room can be really effective uses of time on a busy evening. This multi tasking homework mentality can give my daughter a jumpstart on her work and give us all a little extra family time later in the evening. So, I resolve to be on the lookout for some additional ways to help my daughter use her time wisely.

Here's to reporting some progress in helping our children succeed at Memorial Jr. High in 2014! I appreciate that the school helps monitor my child's academic standing by sending progress reports; and it seems appropriate this time of year to give myself an honest Parent Progress Report. My expectation of myself will reflect what I expect from my daughter: "I don't expect perfection, but I do expect your best!". As you consider the results of your Parent Progress Report, if you have some tried and true practices that help your child succeed or some resolutions you are planning for the new year, feel free to leave a comment below.