Philosophy of Middle School Fashion?

Has anyone else noticed the neon yellow and orange Mustang T-shirts being worn around Memorial? I am genuinely amused with these shirts and their clever slogans to encourage students to adhere to the dress code. For the guys, "No Sag, Only Swag" and for the ladies, "Too Revealing Is Not Appealing".  The school dress code is set forth by our board of education. (See page 19-20 in the Student handbook.) A few highlights include: No pajama pants, no spaghetti straps, no bare midriffs, no sagging pants, and my personal favorite- no exposed undergarments. Most reasonable parents can agree on these points, right? Most reasonable parents are also willing to enforce these rules, right? CNN actually had a small article on school dress codes last Fall. (Check it out. ) But apart from enforcing the dress code of the school so that our kids avoid the consequences of a violation, I wonder if we need to consider our philosophy of middle school fashion outside of school too.

Fashion choices can be a major source of conflict in the middle school years. So how do we as parents decide how much we need to influence the clothing choices of our children? Should self-expression be the priority? Popular brands and styles? Modesty? Age appropriateness? Cost?

 Maybe the answer to this question varies based on the priorities and values of different families. I try to live by the "choose your battles" style of parenting when it comes to my children's wardrobes. My 7th grade daughter lives in jeans, T-shirts and hoodies and looked genuinely traumatized at the choir concert when she was forced to wear one of the not so lovely choir dresses. My sons (who are both still in elementary school) think that they are being forced to "dress up" if I suggest that they wear jeans instead of athletic pants. Apart from my standards of being clean with no rips or stains, and around the right size, I basically let my kids choose what they want from their drawers and closets whether or not they match or look stylish.

But what is available in those drawers and closets communicates a message to my children and when worn also about my children. Here's what I mean: The reality is that what we wear (and allow our children to wear) communicates something about who we are or who we want to be. I think it's tragic when parents allow their daughters to dress provocatively. I want my daughter to understand the kind of message that sends to her peers and also to adults. Young women (and almost all women) have the desire to feel beautiful. Unfortunately beauty and sexuality have been confused and at times merged in our culture. I reject that notion and when (if?) my daughter graduates from her "only jeans and hoodies" phase, the issue of modesty is one I'm willing to fight for. In fact, I'm willing to assert that modesty should be a universal priority for parents in the area of their child's wardrobe choices.

Another fashion issue that I have considered is the "everyone has it" dilemma. My recent inner conflict arose when my daughter wanted a North Face Osito fleece for Christmas- to the tune of $120. I'm not judging parents who dig North Face and buy their clothes for their children, we all have to consider what works for our family! But, the question I struggled with is twofold:

1) The value of money is a very important life lesson that I have to teach my children; and grappling with the whole "paying for the name" issue needs to be considered.
2) Peer pressure, fitting in, and wanting to be like everyone else is an incredibly vital discussion that needs to be addressed from many angles. Including fashion.

My daughter and I discussed both of these issues on several occasions, and ultimately I decided on a comparable fleece made by Columbia that was about $50 cheaper. My daughter still received a very similar item to what she asked for, and I feel like the messages of fiscal responsibility and peer pressure were addressed. The "everyone has it" dilemma isn't necessarily a universal that all parents must address, but do you agree that it is worth some consideration?

One more point that I can't ignore is the whole issue of self expression where fashion is concerned. It's a valid issue as these are the years that our adolescents are finding their way into young adulthood and carving out their identities-learning who they are and want to be. I want my sports obsessed, athletic son to be able to wear athletic wear daily, because it's a genuine reflection of who he is and what he loves. I would prefer for him to dress up for church on Sundays so I could put his good looks and great style on display for all to admire (hehe)- but our church is quite casual so forcing him to dress up would be about ME, not necessarily helpful to HIS character and development. So, I let him work his sporty vibe, even on Sundays! However, when he has a responsibility to attend a concert at school and is asked to wear something a bit nicer for a couple of hours on this special occasion, I think it's reasonable to insist that he complies. Self expression is important and valid, but learning to value and respect authority trumps self expression in many situations.

I am preparing my children every day for their adult lives. Respecting authority and following policies is a life skill that they need to learn as soon as possible. Respecting themselves by dressing modestly and considering the "everyone has it" dilemma are important life lessons. I want my children to express themselves- but in ways that foster self respect and respect for others.

It seems crazy that there is so much to consider regarding what clothing lands in my children's drawers. Okay fine most of it lands on the bedroom floor. But by taking the time to consider these issues with my children, I'm hopeful that they will learn to think for themselves and make rational, healthy decisions into adulthood. So if having and discussing a philosophy of middle school fashion helps accomplish that goal, then I think it's worth a few minutes of consideration!